Without appreciation even eager “favor doers ” will eventually trickle down their willingness to lend a hand, will start to cut corners at work and eventually start to avoid families, friendships and coworkers who “only want something from them”. This is because once people feel under appreciated they no longer feel motivated to participated in the needs of others. It’s a simple but necessary reward system.
One solution: Restructure how you process the request for help. I often teach my clients to tease apart their observations and how they process/assess that information that feeds their reactions. Observation–>Assessment Style–>Reaction
Michelle’s automatic style of thinking was to observe Lisa’s emails as “she NEEDS me” rather than ” Lisa is asking for help”. The second assessment strategy allows her to feel in control because she can process it as “I have a choice in whether I assist or not”. The first point of view (“she needs me”) led her to process it under ” I feel forced and obligated. I am a bad sister if I don’t give her what she needs”.
* Do you have difficulty in some situations expressing thoughts, feelings or personal desires?
* Does fear of disapproval hinder your performance?
* Do you find saying “No” so difficult that you commonly endure under desired activity
* Do you have a pattern of suppressing bad feelings until one single event triggers explosions of resentment?
* Do you anticipate rejection or failure if assertive?
* Do you fear all conflict so much that you avoid stating your opinion?
* Do you avoid or suffer high levels of anxiety or discomfort in certain social interactions?
* Do you find yourself ruminating or consumed with worry when facing a threatening situation?
* Do you avoid dating or meeting new people?
If you answered Yes, then consider joining me on Dec 20th for an extensive talk on how Cognitive Group Therapy can help you.
Dealing with disappointment can be disheartening to say the least. No one likes to be confronted with the revelation of “NO”. No one likes to be told what they wanted is not available, that their needs will not be honored or what they expected is not likely to occur.
However, how you handle yourself in these situations can determine just how far your level of disappointment goes, whether it stops at a healthy level of frustration, or whether it escalates to more intense levels of anger and hostility.
There are 6 basic types of social power that influence others…which type are you?
If you have ever wondered why some people seem to be more effective at influencing the opinions and behaviors of others, consider the social power possessed by the influencer and the role-identity of the followers.
If you find yourself repeatedly avoiding situations because you feel uncomfortable or nervous, the best remedy to cure your anxiety is to not deter yourself from these situations. The more you avoid, the worse your anxiety will get.Some basic ideas on how not to avoid and making approaching anxiety situations easier:
Often I hear people talk about how their anxiety has become an obstacle in their daily life functioning, preventing them from fulfilling life’s ambitions. For example, they might feel uncomfortable dining with others, so much that they avoid dating; yet complain of loneliness. Or they may avoid speaking up in meetings, missing opportunities to share their opinions, leaving them feeling dissatisfied in their career.
What to do? Continue on to “The CBT’s Ten Ways to Stop Avoidance”
Similarly, I will advise my clients that are looking to meet new people to join groups and clubs, to attend networking events, lectures, classes and/or volunteer at organizations that attract people of similar interests and values.