Navigating Romantic Relationships is not always easy. Even good couples can easily shift from a place of feeling at ease that involves open communication and mutual respect to a place of hurt feelings, defensiveness and personal criticism without too much effort. Why does this happen? One day you and your mate are laughing and feeling … Continue reading Romantic Relationships Avoid the 4 horseman that lead to relationship demise.
Without appreciation even eager “favor doers ” will eventually trickle down their willingness to lend a hand, will start to cut corners at work and eventually start to avoid families, friendships and coworkers who “only want something from them”. This is because once people feel under appreciated they no longer feel motivated to participated in the needs of others. It’s a simple but necessary reward system.
One solution: Restructure how you process the request for help. I often teach my clients to tease apart their observations and how they process/assess that information that feeds their reactions. Observation–>Assessment Style–>Reaction
Michelle’s automatic style of thinking was to observe Lisa’s emails as “she NEEDS me” rather than ” Lisa is asking for help”. The second assessment strategy allows her to feel in control because she can process it as “I have a choice in whether I assist or not”. The first point of view (“she needs me”) led her to process it under ” I feel forced and obligated. I am a bad sister if I don’t give her what she needs”.
Be aware since -even small irritations or stressor influence how we process information and therefore effecting automatically your thinking style. Think about how quickly at times you can go from an open attitude to a defensive one. When we feel stressed it effects how you perceive the world and your own existence . Most likely you will see things are more threatening and problematic until your emotions simmer.
Developing a deeper understanding of what is expected of you based on what you are contributing can be the difference between doing something begrudgingly & eventually becoming resentful and carrying out a task because it brings you value and a sense of self accomplishment and harmony in your systems and relationships.
When interpreting the cause of someone’s behavior we are more likely to think the reason has more to do with a personal reason than attribute it to a situational factor. For example, when a friend fails to call you, you are more likely to see their behavior as disinterested, rude, carelessness or disorganized, rather than to weigh heavily that they may be busy at work, talking to someone else, in a quiet or too nosey place or with no cell phone reception.
* Do you have difficulty in some situations expressing thoughts, feelings or personal desires?
* Does fear of disapproval hinder your performance?
* Do you find saying “No” so difficult that you commonly endure under desired activity
* Do you have a pattern of suppressing bad feelings until one single event triggers explosions of resentment?
* Do you anticipate rejection or failure if assertive?
* Do you fear all conflict so much that you avoid stating your opinion?
* Do you avoid or suffer high levels of anxiety or discomfort in certain social interactions?
* Do you find yourself ruminating or consumed with worry when facing a threatening situation?
* Do you avoid dating or meeting new people?
If you answered Yes, then consider joining me on Dec 20th for an extensive talk on how Cognitive Group Therapy can help you.
There are 6 basic types of social power that influence others…which type are you?
If you have ever wondered why some people seem to be more effective at influencing the opinions and behaviors of others, consider the social power possessed by the influencer and the role-identity of the followers.
If you find yourself repeatedly avoiding situations because you feel uncomfortable or nervous, the best remedy to cure your anxiety is to not deter yourself from these situations. The more you avoid, the worse your anxiety will get.Some basic ideas on how not to avoid and making approaching anxiety situations easier:
Often I hear people talk about how their anxiety has become an obstacle in their daily life functioning, preventing them from fulfilling life’s ambitions. For example, they might feel uncomfortable dining with others, so much that they avoid dating; yet complain of loneliness. Or they may avoid speaking up in meetings, missing opportunities to share their opinions, leaving them feeling dissatisfied in their career.
What to do? Continue on to “The CBT’s Ten Ways to Stop Avoidance”
Similarly, I will advise my clients that are looking to meet new people to join groups and clubs, to attend networking events, lectures, classes and/or volunteer at organizations that attract people of similar interests and values.